Tale as old as... ...'92 Rehashed as it can be (Getting progressively more off-key) Barely a movie animated most poorly Quite expectedly (gives up on singing) Beauty and the Beast. (Dead inside) Ruined it. (Theme from reviewed movie): Now that I'm with him, time has ceased.
And I can sing, the Beauty and the Beast Once in a while when something popular comes out you get some cheap cash-ins made to capitalize on that. And that was pretty much the marketing model for Goodtimes Entertainment. It was low-hanging fruit for them when Disney would popularize an old story or fairy tale with one of their animated features So shortly after Disney's theatrical or home video release of one companies like Goodtimes Entertainment would be there to try to either fool you, or just make you give in to their cheaper version of the story. In fact, Disney even SUED Goodtimes Entertainment at one point over their covers looking too similar to theirs and fooling customers.
This resulted in Goodtimes having to clearly mark their versions of these films. I'm guessing that was only for a time, though as there isn't actually a clear Goodtimes Entertainment marking on the front of this DVD release Maybe actual good times themselves sued Goodtimes Entertainment over their failure to provide such a time No that wasn't a stretch! Goodtimes had a few production companies they usually teamed up with to shovel out these quick cash-ins and in this case It was Golden Films. Who made getting what information I COULD on this a little EXTRA confusing for me as they produced yet another Beauty and the Beast a couple years later And this one isn't even mentioned on IMDb.
[Ed. Note: It is now.
Thanks Phelous!] Good times are dead now though. Goodtimes Entertainment, too, as they filed for bankruptcy in 2005 only one year after this DVDs release. I'm so lucky! (Cut-off scream of rage) Actually, while Goodtimes have come to an end we can take comfort in the fact that Golden Films are still up and running and have even partnered with Sony for some of their releases. They even have a website with previews, clearly from VHS rips.
<"Magical" teleporting sound effects> Beauty: Clara! What are you doing here? Phelous: These also often contain random cuts and might even spoil the ending. And speaking of spoiling, let's get on to their 1992, one year after the Disney version, of Beauty and the Beast <generic "enchanting" music> But to prime us first for what we are about to experience we get two little shitters riding the cheap cash-in coaster through the Goodtimes library which leads us to... (Movie theme): Beauty (Beauty) ... Beauty (Beauty) ...
Phelous: ...Beauty already dancing with the Beast? <Pff> Yeah, why not! Who the hell cares about building up to that anyway! The movie jumps back after the opening song but this kind of kills a whole lot of that whole storytelling thing, doesn't it? "Hmm, this Beast fellow he seems awful scary, huh?" "Look at what a mediocre dancer he is!" (Scoffs) All right, so they gave us a little, um... ...BIG teaser, but we're still gonna have to watch the movie to find out if the Beast has a heart of gold or not. (More theme): He's good to me, to say the very least... Never mind! You've already seen the Disney version, why are you watching this? So quite a bit of the basics of this film are actually taken from the original story.
But of course they are done in a dinky manner without any real build-up to them Since this film only has a 48 minute runtime. Beauty: Oh, hello sisters, how are you? Skinny sister: Apparently better than you, Beauty. Phelous: Her name is actually just "Beauty"? What unimaginative jackass came up with that? Father: Ooh, this can't be! There... There...
<Gibbers incomprehensibly, on loop quite a few times> Phelous: Heheh, okay, explained. The "Beauty" in Beauty and the Beast is actually this generically name most of the time. Guess crazy old Maurice figured if he named a baby that she'd HAVE to grow into it. Or should I say, crazy old...
"Old Man". 'Cause they never say his name. Or maybe he just tried naming EVERY child he had "Beauty". (Old Man voice): I'll name you Beauty.
Oh. <Gibbers> Never mind, I'll name YOU "Beauty". Oh, dammit! <Gibbers> Third time's the charm. (Normal voice): And, yes, I know "Belle" pretty much means "Beauty" as well But at least it sounds a little better to us in English! Though, she is in France...
So... Yeah, she'd actually be just as generic in her actual town (Editor's Note: Belle is an actual name, Phelous) Just like the original story, Beauty/Belle has two sisters and this movie pretty much turned them into the wicked stepsisters from Cinderella. Though I can't imagine WHY there'd be any sibling complex between Beanpole and Fat Ass when Old Man named the third one "Beauty". She also had three brothers, but this one cut that down to two.
...Unless something happened to the third one... (As Old Man): I'll name you Beauty! (As "third son"): Thank you, Father for seeing the beauty insi-- <neck snap, thud> (as Old Man): I didn't realize he was another boy. I only need two of those. Cat: Meow! Phelous (to "Duck Tales" theme): Derp Cat! Whoo-ooo! Beanpole: Maybe you'll want to come shopping with us one day, Beauty.
But I forgot. You like to visit the poor section of the city Your clothes are perfect. You fit in with all the beggars who live there. Phelous (as Beauty, very, very slowly): Wait...
Did they just speak words at me...? I think they did! I wonder what they meant! Wait a second, I think they just insulted me! That's it! It's time for THIS Beauty to become a BEAST! GET IT? Oh. Wait. I'm not talking still. <Door slams> ...Why am I standing out in the rain? (Normal voice): Well, we don't have to wonder long where Beauty got that brain that powers those vacant stares from.
Old Man: <gibbers> This can't be! I know these clerks who run our offices in these cities. I hired them all myself! They're, they're <gibbers> very, very good men. Son 1: They're thieves, father. Old Man: <gibbers> Are you sure? Ooh! They can't be thieves! Phelous (as Old Man): I even asked him if they were thieves and they answered no! We're going to be fine! (As Son 1): We're broke, Dad! (As Old Man): D'oh! Hmm.
I wonder if I can sell my stupid sons as slaves! (As Son 2): Uhh, you said that one out loud, Dad! (As Old Man): Doh-ho-ho! ... <Trails off into gibberish> ...Shit. (Normal voice): So this again is part of the actual tale, with Beauty's father being a merchant who had boats go missing, causing him to lose most of his money. Beauty: I spent the day among the less fortunate, bringing them food.
Old Man: I'm afraid it's our own family which will soon be in need of help. Phelous (as Beauty's "thoughts"): Whoooooa... Look at this cake I'm holding... (As Old Man): Oh, dammit! <Spolitch> <sploitch> This forces the Beautys to move to the country where, unsurprisingly, her sisters still act like obvious bitch fucks in front of Beauty and she's still too stupid to notice <Tuba "Ba Dum Ba Dum" song, aka the theme from old A&W commercials in Canada> Beauty: And how are you today, Missy? Phelous (as Missy, barely comprehensible): Get me the hell outta here! You people are killing me! I haven't been fed in a week! Beauty: <laughs> Son 1: Wait until you hear the good news! One of father's ships we thought lost has docked in the harbor! And it's the largest of our ships! Filled with goods, no doubt! Phelous: Yes.
"No doubt". Even though I said we hired thieves. Plus the boat was hit by a storm. Let's celebrate prematurely! Old Man: We're not rich yet, you know.
We don't even know if there's any cargo on that ship. Phelous (as Old Man): So I really don't know why I was so happy in the previous scene. (Normal voice): Again, like the original tale, the two assy sisters asked for expensive gifts while Beauty only asked for a rose HOWEVER, the two brothers beat her by only asking that they don't blink out of existence (as Old Man): Heheh, no promises. (As Son 2): Oh man! (As Son 1): Who was that guy? Who am I for that matter? Son 1: Here is the bill of lading, Father, so you can make sure the ship's captain hasn't cheated us out of any cargo.
Phelous (as Son 1): If he has, you'll have to fight him on your own, Dad. We're not coming 'cause we're so busy with all the... ...Bye! Old Man: Whoa, horsieeeee! Whooo-hoooa!! Phelous (mocking Old Man): Whoa, don't take off at such a slow pace!! ...Movie! (Normal voice): Seriously, we've got less than 40 minutes left now and the only things we've gotten over are, Beauty and her father are morons the brothers made a wish upon a star to become real boys and the sisters miss walking the streets! Old Man: Oh! I want to inspect the cargo hold. Harbormaster: But...
But sir... Old Man: Harbormaster, I'll not ask you again! Now open the cargo hatch! Harbormaster: As you wish. Phelous: Oh, you will NOT outdo Old Man with pointlessly announcing actions, Harbormaster. Old Man: I'll light a lamp.
Phelous: Thankssssss... (As Old Man): And now I'll look around with the lamp and be surprised that the ship that took heavy damage in a storm took heavy damage in a storm! Old Man: <gibbers> My spices, they're ruined! These tea leaves are useless. Phelous (as Old Man): Sure, they look perfectly fine in their jars But I'm not selling tea and spices that were in wet boxes. Silk! I...It's good for nothing now! Phelous (as Old Man): And look at those daughters of mine.
They got wet in the rain! They're completely useless now! <Crazy cartoon noises of the daughters being discarded> (normal): For someone who was prematurely celebrating you sure do have a defeatist attitude all of a sudden. You know something we don't, Old Man?! <More Old Man gibbering on loop> No. Clearly you don't. (As Old Man): At least I'll find comfort with my favorite cow.
She'll console me. (As Missy): Get me the hell outta here! Old Man Yells At Cloud: Yes, go ahead and rain, you miserable sky! Phelous (as Old Man): I'm competely useless now. <More discarding cartoon noises> Lightning strikes a tree in front the old coot making his horse send him to... ...The perspective of complete nonsense! Look at this! There's no space in front of them and the trees have to split into two and magically move around them so they don't just crash into them! Is that supposed to scare me?? Yeah, I know it's really stupid to ask if a botched perspective shot is supposed to be scary but I'm gonna do it anyway and keep harping on it.
All right, let's move on. Right into that perspective! Oh no, look at that, now I'M stuck in it! It's so scary 'cause it doesn't make sense! (As Old Man): Phelous hasn't been funny since "Mac & Me". He's completely useless now. <One more set of cartoon sounds for the pile> (normal): How'd he throw me in the trash if he's already in here? Is that supposed to be scary? Shut up! Wait, am I telling myself to shut up? That doesn't make sense-- SHUT UP!! I keep digging this hole! Old Man: A castle, in the midst of the forest? My mind must be going, old girl.
Horse: (Uh huh) Phelous: I like that the horse agrees he's crazy for seeing the castle yet the horse sees it too, obviously. Stupid horse, what an idiot! Yeah, I said it! Old Man: (gibbers) Eh... Hello? Eh. HELLOOOOOOO?? I've never heard such silence.
Have you girl? <Door creaks open> I got a feeling someone's inviting you in. Phelous (as Old Man): You wouldn't believe how many times I've been sent to jail because I've seen someone's door creak open and I assumed that was an invitation! Hur hur, hur, I'm an idiot. Old Man: ...Well, you'll rest in a warm stable tonight. Phelous (as Old Man): Or a warm stomach! Either way, you'll be warm at least.
Old Man: Hellloo? <Gibbers> Is the master of the castle here? Phelous (as Old Man): What's that song I hear playing in here? Be our guest, be our guest, eat all our food, leave us dead, oh well, don't mind if I do! HEE-EEEEEEEEE!!!!! Old Man: I'm a traveler who's lost his way! Phelous (as candle): Bonjour, mon frere, I am Lumiere! And welcome to Castle... (As Old Man): Ooh, a delicious candle! <Chomp> (as candle, muffled): Sacre fucking bleu. Old Man: <gibbers> It looks like, if I can trust my eyes, which, I'm sure I can't... ...I'm expected! Phelous: And they tried to send this guy's counterpart Maurice to the looney bin? At least HE had a candle and a clock invite him in! Seriously though, who the hell sees food prepared and goes 'Well this must be for me, the jackass who just broke in.'? (Old Man voice): HEEE-EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Oh! Well! Well, thank you, kind chair! Phelous: Lock this guy up! That chair doesn't even talk! Yeah, I heard it.
Fine, lock me up, too. Naturally the old coot gorges himself, never thinking it odd no one ever shows up and crashes for the night. (As Old Man): Oh, boy! That was the greatest shit of my life! I don't envy whoever has to go in there and clean that up But I said I had to poop and the door creaked open, so obviously I was invited to let loose in there! Old Man: <gibbers> I must have certainly lost my marbles. Phelous (sarcastic): Noooooooo!!! (As Old Man): Okay, I'm ready for my horse back! <Belch> My...
My friend... I'm so sorry.... I'll miss y... Oh, roses! Old Man: Eh, at least I'll be able to bring back <strange cut in audio> a lovely rose.
<Sudden wind gust> Angry voice: So this is how you repay all my kindnesses?! Phelous: <laughs hysterically> Why, thank you Beauty and the Beast '92! You've answered one of my longtime questions! I always wondered what it'd look like if a warthog fucked a Goomba, so... Thank you for that. (As Beast): Ohhhhhhhh, I wish I could close my mouth. Beast: After all I've done for you, opening my home to you, giving you food and lodging.
You dare to steal from me?! Phelous: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he does, considering that's ALL he's done since he got there. But, oh no, him being a jackass wasn't a problem till it came to your stupid rose bush (as Beast): So! You dare steal from ME, winter? I'll destroy you! (As clock): So, the beast is still punching the snow, huh? (As candle): Yep. (As clock): Wanna ago see if the beast two castles down needs any servants? (As candle): Yup. Beast: To steal what I love most in the world.
My roses! You'll pay for this with your life! Phelous: Well, I suppose he did kill that flower. A life for a life. Seems reasonable. I hate to state the obvious but...
(Clearly not hating it) Disney did it better! Because they updated certain elements like this for their version. So Maurice trespassing WAS what set the Beast off on him. And the ROSE was directly tied to the beast so he had a good reason to be overly protective of it. Here, it's just like, "you can spit in my face all you want..." "...But don't you dare walk on the grass!" Old Man: <gibbers> See, I took the rose only as a gift for my daughter, <gibbers> Beauty.
Beast: A daughter, you say? And named Beauty? Phelous (as Old Man): Oh! It's a really deceptive name. I only called her that 'cause she stinks and is ugly. (As Beast): Not buying it.
(As Old Man): Oooops.... Beast: I will strike you a bargain.
You may go home and ask Beauty if she will die in your place. Old Man: <gasps> I could not think of such a thing. Phelous (as Old Man): ...On an empty stomach! (As Beast): Fine! Here's second course. (As Old Man): Okay, I'll sell out my daughter.
HEEE-EEEEEEEEEE!!!! Old Man: I did bring back one gift. Beauty: Oh! Father, you brought me my rose! Yes. Cherish it my dear. For, it will cost me my life.
Phelous: Yeah, don't make her feel guilty for the rest of her life or anything, Old Man. Oh, wait. This must be part of that. "I'll NEVER trade Beauty's life for mine" strategy.
Son 1: Robert and I could go with you. Between the three of us, we could overpower the Beast and kill it! Phelous: Oh, stop pretending you're a character that can affect anything in this story. Old Man: Nathan, you would not say that if you saw the Beast. <Gibbers> It is beyond imagination.
Phelous (as Nathan): Oh shit! I didn't realize it was beyond imagination! Okay, you're dead, pops. Beauty: I packed you something to eat along the way, Father. Old Man: Now I know I've done the right thing by letting him kill me instead of... <Awkward!> Beauty (stupidly): Instead of who, Father? Phelous (very slowly): Ohhh, noooo! What an accident! This ass might as well have came back with a "Beauty Can Die in My Place" T-shirt for how subtle he is.
And if you even want to pretend he was being SLIGHTLY genuine here I'm glad he was unsure or not if Beauty should go die for him until she brought lunch. Old Man: Oh, nothing. It's nothing. <Gibbers> Absolutely nothing.
Fat Ass: It's Beauty, isn't it! Beauty: <gasps unconvincingly> Phelous: It's... Rare you see a cartoon be such a shitty actor but, there you go <mocks unconvincing gasp> Beauty: It's a wonderful castle, isn't it? Phelous (as Beauty): I absolutely adore this place where one of us is going to die. <Laughs unstably> <transitions into frustration> <We feel your pain, Phelous> Old Man: For me it is a place of great sadness. Phelous (as Beauty, even more stupidly than usual): Why? What happened? (As Old Man): HEEE-EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Beauty: <gasps sharply> Phelous: Heh, no no, do it right.
<Replay of Beauty's unconvincing gasp> Beast: So, you have come. <Mario jumping sound> <Mario victory sound> Phelous (as Old Man): Let's go! <That gasp again> Beauty: I gladly put myself in my Father's place. Beast: Bravely said, but you seemed not so brave when first I entered this room. Phelous (as Beast): I'm really scary, right? Right? You were scared, right? (As Beauty's "thoughts"): What sound does an apple make? (As Beast): I hate you Old Man: Beast, her heart is pure.
And it is for that pure heart I now beg. Phelous (as Old Man): Look at how serious I am about this begging for her life with my big smile. Beast: Say your good-byes, then. For you shall never see your fair daughter again.
<The "ba dum ba dum" song again... Suddenly I'm thirsty for root beer> <sparkle sound effect> Beast: The loss of one so precious as you will be great. In some... Small way, this treasure may lessen your family's pain.
Phelous (as Old Man): What? I didn't realize I could get THIS MUCH for a daughter. I got two more you know. And, er, if you're bi, I got two boys as well. Beast: BEGONE BEFORE I STRIKE YOU DEAD! (Guess he's not bi) <melancholy-ish music> Phelous (as Beauty's "thoughts"): There goes the worst father a girl could ever have.
(Spoken:) Oh, he's bald now, eww! Phelous: Well, obviously Beauty is distraught now. Let's set the mood. <Sprightly music!> <Music quickly realizes its mistake, turns downbeat> Beauty: <sobs> <music changes its mind again, decides this is funny> Phelous: Or, play it like it's a wacky scene. Your choice, movie.
<Same music repeats> Phelous: No! No! No, this can't be! NOOOOOO!!!!!! <"Oh Phelous 2014" plays through credits> Phelous: Hi guys! Check out my Patreon for early mid-roll free episodes, meaning, no ads will play in the middle, and other perks! By the way, there is a version of this that came with a doll! I was some sad I didn't get the doll version of this....
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