far one of the most successful, YouTube beauty gurus on the planet. At her peak, she boasted 8.9 Million subscribers
, earning over 1.1 Billion views, with her famous 2009 Barbie tutorial garnering more
than 67 million views alone. Her YouTube popularity led to a collaboration
with Lancme, a ton of press, and a $100 million makeup brand with Ipsy. And then she packed a bag, left the country,
and left it all behind in an instant.
Why? Here's a look at the real reasons Michelle
Phan left YouTube. She hated being recognized Thanks to YouTube, Phan became one of the
most recognizable beauty gurus on the planet. But that was an unhappy accident for Phan,
who wrote in Teen Vogue that she never intended for her own face to become famous. Instead, makeup was supposed to be a means
to explore different sides of herself and transform into something or someone new.
She told Racked that she was never comfortable
with being famous. "Getting recognized in real life is always
weird, because you never know when it's gonna happen. I can't even tell you how many times I had
to take pictures with people in the bathroom. It's the most awkward thing." She felt like she sold out In a video explaining her departure, Phan
explained that her online persona was much different than her real life identity, and
that she felt trapped by her own vanity.
Her social media was a carefully curated look
at Michelle Phan the brand, not Michelle Phan the individual. That took a toll on her psyche. "Who I was on camera and who I was in real
life began to feel like strangers " "I felt like somewhere along this journey,
I lost myself" Phan said that during one of many sleepless
nights, she watched one of her earlier YouTube clips and was shocked at how much she'd changed. "I've grown to learn how money can buy many
things, like peace of mind, comfort, status.
Anything but happiness." Mental health struggles According to Phan, the biggest reason she
walked away from it all was the toll fame had taken on her mental health. The stress from multiple lawsuits, the pressures
of running her channel, the struggles of her cosmetics line Em, and the glare of the public
spotlight got to be a bit too much for her. She wrote an essay for Teen Vogue stating
that she suffered from severe anxiety and felt like she was going "borderline crazy." She told Racked, "I peaced out because I think I was going
through depression. I don't know because I didn't go to a hospital
or anything or get diagnosed, but I was taking a few quizzes online and I felt really sad
every day.
I was waking up feeling so broken. I didn't know why." Where in the world is Michelle Phan? When Phan disappeared, she didn't just go
dark on YouTube - she also temporarily shuttered her other social media channels, and even
vanished from her own company with no notice. She told Refinery29, "I decided to pack my life into a small suitcase,
and I literally just left. I bought a one-way ticket to Switzerland.
I even had contracts where my team still needed
me. But I had to go." After Switzerland, Phan also visited Egypt,
China, and the Netherlands in an effort to clear her head. As someone who once told Teen Vogue that she
felt "digitally bullied" by online trolls, Phan said the trip was "life-changing" thanks
in part to her decision to avoid social media. "We live in this world where we're so connected,
we don't even give ourselves time to connect with ourselves.
I just had my thoughts, nature, and the stars,
no WiFi or anythig, and that transformed me. It kind of rooted me again, anchored me back
to reality. And in a weird way, time moved by slower. It was beautiful." More than skin deep In April 2017, Phan surprised fans by revealing
to Allure that she barely wears makeup at all anymore other than eyeliner and lipstick
- which are now the only items she sells through her relaunched Em brand of cosmetics.
She explained that she started using makeup
in her teens because she didn't feel attractive without it. By her twenties, she was using it to experiment
creatively. Now, she doesn't need it for either of those
reasons. "I'm different.
I'm changing. I'm more simplified. I know the type of eyeliner I need to wear
to look the way I want to look. So things have become more refined, and I
think that's how my perspective on beauty in general has changed, it's become more refined.".
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